Expectations and preconceived notions
The simplest example I can think of is one that we've
probably all experienced (or at least, those of us that believe in
vaccinations). Every year, when we all supposedly get the flu shot, our initial
expectation is that it's going to hurt. Now, this expectation is founded on
some evidence; we all know that needles are scary and they hurt. Every time I
used to get a shot, I watched everything that happened (the gloves, the alcohol
wipe, the drawing of the syringe). I would tense up just as the needle was
about to break the skin, and it always ended up super painful and traumatic. A
nurse or pharmacy technician always tells me to relax my arm and it will hurt
less. And guess what? Once I did that, and stopped anticipating the sting of
the needle, it actually did hurt a lot less. The mind is an extremely powerful
entity, and it can influence the actual outcome of an event without physical
interference.
Negative scripts
These are the tricky patterns our mind employs without us
even knowing it! Think of a negative script like a kind of postmodern play where every
character is a curmudgeon and meanie. It would go a little something like this:
Curmudgeon: It's too hot in here!
Meanie: Everyone sucks!
Curmudgeon: Why is the bus always so late?
Meanie: I hate everyone!
Yeesh. That play is not winning any awards I know of. A
negative script includes the little silent judgments you make to yourself while
walking down the street, sitting in a coffee shop, or waiting in line for
something. They're observations tainted by bias. We are human, and therefore we
are biased. And unfortunately, most of us find it difficult to approach a
situation free of judgment, even if we're not speaking our mind. Just thinking
a negative thought can be as significant on our attitudes as saying it. Most of
us hold ourselves back from insulting everyone around us, but we have to
exercise that same self-control over our thoughts, and view life from a neutral
observer's point of view.
Hyperbolic reactions to spontaneous external events
Any conscious person knows that there are things that
happen in life that are beyond our control. People show up late, parties get
busted up, and our filet mignon needs to be sent back for longer cooking. None
of these things are emergencies, and should not be treated as such. As a
species, we tend to overexaggerate the inconveniences of our life in order to
stir up drama or self-importance. But the tell-tale sign of someone asking for
a bad day is if they allow unplanned-for external happenings to interfere with
internal stasis. We need to think of our internal state as static: always
happy. And barring tragedies on the scale of family deaths, job loss, or
natural disaster, we should imagine ourselves like a boulder on a shore, able
to withstand any wave, no matter how powerful.
Teaming up with chronically angry people
Fact: the world is filled with curmudgeons and meanies.
But those aren't the worst of them. There are also killers, abusers, and
tyrants. Anger issues can come in a variety of forms, some more
visible than others. An angry person is not just one who screams and shouts,
but it could also be someone who's depressed and withdrawn. The most common
group of chronically angry people might be your family, or your coworkers. I'm
not saying to leave them in the dust, just don't indulge in the complaining.
It's sometimes fun to commiserate, but that can quickly turn into bashing and
trashing. Your best option is to change the subject, to deflect from the
negativity with a compliment. It's also wise to avoid "stray-cat
syndrome," which I liken to taking in a broken friend that quickly turns
into a parasite by taking advantage of your friendship.
Using negative or unclear language
Words like "unfortunately," "sorry,"
and "disappointed" are pretty popular in the American lexicon. We
sometimes use them more than we're even aware we do. But negative language can
also be more subtle. Just a simple "but" or "though" can
twinge otherwise positive sentences with negativity. Even phrases such as
"I don't know" lack energy and purpose. Any language that allows you
to make an excuse or get out of a situation is likely keeping things in the
negative. Here's what you need to do to have a good day. And then another. And then another.
Say some important goodbyes and hellos
Someone will judge you by the people with whom you hang
out. Even if you've known someone for years, if they don't bring you up and
make you feel good about yourself, you have to cut the cord. It may seem cruel
to say goodbye, but your personal health is at stake. A negative person will
likely stay that way, unless everyone they like drops them and they know they
need to make a change. Much like enabling an addict by providing them a means
to shoot up, you are enabling a negative person by listening to their
complaints and fueling them. You shouldn't be friends with someone solely
because you feel bad for them. They may want to turn that anguish to a
therapist. A friendship should not be a therapy session. At the same time, you
need to replace those negative influences with positive ones. Associate
yourself with people that you admire, that make you laugh, that are
intelligent, inquisitive, and ambitious. They will inspire you to be a better
version of yourself.
Start the day with your symbol of happiness
It's a common misconception that no one likes waking up
in the morning. Back in the day, my first conscious thought was always a
negative one. It was about how much I had to do that day, and how much I didn't
want to do it. But I find that taking a few seconds to think about a beautiful
memory, my favorite food, or even looking at a pretty picture can automatically
soothe my worrisome brain. I keep a jar of dried lavender on my bedside table
to cheer me up. Find something you like, and make it your symbol of happiness!
Move your body and be silly
Being sedentary can make us bored and uninspired. But, I
know, the gym is not always the most fun place to be. I suggest taking a little
time to be silly. Practice some killer dance moves in the privacy of your own
bedroom. Do the worm. Jump up and down like a maniac. Whatever it takes to get
you to laugh at yourself, even if just a little bit. It's important to be
self-deprecating and not take yourself too seriously. A little silliness never
hurt anybody.
Revel in your autonomy
Remember that you are not stuck anywhere in life. If
something in your life continually gives you stress and anxiety, quit it. It's
okay. You don't have to feel guilty for quitting something that raises your
blood pressure. The great thing about life is that for those of us fortunate
enough, it is malleable and dynamic. If one bridge is crumbling, it's time to
jump in the water and swim! We are only limited by our own curiosities.
Autonomy is the ability to choose our path to happiness. Replace the activity
that caused you stress with something that frees you. Be creative and have an
open mind.
Schedule time to indulge in your passion
We're all busy, and if we're lucky, we get a moment or
two to update our statuses or get a tweet out at our lunch break. But rarely do
we give ourselves the pleasure of indulging in a passion. This can be as simple
as reading a book, or as complicated as scaling a mountain. My passion is
journaling, and every morning at 5am, I schedule an hour to write in my journal.
It's a commitment I've made to myself as important as eating breakfast or
getting daily exercise. Making these small commitments can help you feel
grounded and focused. That's you-time, and no one else can get in the way of it.
Be kind
Kindness is a huge concept that can be simplified in a
few very easy acts. One is by giving compliments. A genuine compliment is an
easy way to brighten anyone's day, but it can also brighten yours. Much like giving a gift, which always makes
both parties feel the warm-fuzzies, a compliment is just as effective (and
free!). Another way to show kindness is to do something charitable. Donate
food, help someone out with an assignment, visit a hospital. The payoff is even
greater than the effort it takes to do it.
Those people that always seem to be having a good day are
not magical. They actively weed out the negativities that are bringing them
down, and replace them with uplifting thoughts and people. Being positive is
not possible with the flip of a switch. It requires a commitment to the
practice of altering your mindset to remain constant despite what may happen in
the outside world. We're all capable of having a better day. It's up to us to
believe it.
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